i pierced my naval!

D.I.Y

BUT!

its a bit slant. i think im gg to remove it and re-do when it isnt that swell-ish.

anyhoos, its been 2 days since i went out so its good to go out and catch up with my girls aysha and farah today.

woo loo loo loo loo.

im happy and idk why.

kay bye.

They will see us waving from such great heights 'come down now' they'll say.
but everything looks perfect from far away 'come down now' but we'll stay.

hey im back. just thought of blogging abit more cause im bored out of my mind.
truth is, im really sad today.
i had instances where tears rolled down my cheeks but i told myself to suck it up and stop.
i once heard (from a movie i think), that if we feel sad, we should just cry and let it all out.
thing is, i used to do that.
but bull-ish, crying has never gotten me anywhere. never did, never will.
crying is such a pussy thing to do.

why am i sad you might ask?
because i know something.
actually i knew it ages ago.
but like i said in my post below, im too afraid to face th truth.
i found out that i need to make a decision quick because dangling onto this is making things worst.

This person, is a very powerful person. He makes me feel sad very easily. So easily that at times i think im so silly for letting him overpower me. This person also makes me very happy. He knows everything i like but getting a happy pill from him is hard. Sometimes it feels like it needs to be earned.
He is also really weak at times.
He is too weak to see how i notice his ways. Like how he sleeps like a log, or how he gels his hair or how he always needs to smoke after certain things that he does or how he checks if anyone is looking after we kiss. He is too weak to see what i try to do at times.
Me and him? we are from different worlds. We have a few things we hate about eachother, but i have put my differences aside.
What does a person need to do more to get appreciated? Words are just words. It would be nice to be sincerely,genuinely appreciated once in a while. These things keep me going!
Its a love-hate situation. I do not know how i got myself into this but all i know is i want to get out of this mess with or without you by my side.

I, Stephanie Gomes Tay, deserve the best and only the best. This isnt because i am proud, but this is because i love myself too fcking much to settle for anything less. I promise myself, to never shrug off things that hurt me. I will not love because of sympathy, company or enjoyment. I will love because of love.

i want chilvary and a guy who calls me beautiful.

i want a guy who tries for me and understands me.

someone who makes me happy and love my life.

someone who will intertwine with my character.

not someone who i will want to change.

IM SORRY.

im sorry for trying to change you.

for trying to make you all of the above.

i was selfish.

i just didnt want to shortchange myself.

But you know i can't change my beliefs for you right?

the first paragraph, thats what i want in a guy.

i cant pretend i don't , just to be with you.

i want this, and you want that.

the answer is right in front of us.

i am so afraid to see it.

you see it.

no kay, i will see it.

wth am i saying.

its just...

argh. its time okay baby.

make or break it

i have to be strong.

I dont usually reply to tags here because i know no one will bother to read it unless it has their names on it but this is a situation where by short replies are a no-no. so here are some replies to the tags.


athirah : hey, im rly sorry fr wtvr i wrote in my blog. i was mad at tht tym. & i knw it's wrong fr me to say tht w/o even knw-ing u bettr tho u're my sis's gf. cos i nw see hw much u cared fr my sis despite whtvr ****s she'd done to you. & i realised that u're sucha true friend. sorry once again.

i say : its ok. im glad we finally cleared this bad atmosphere between us. i know how it feels to be posting things based on anger.


farahdea : ykno we'll always be here stephanza .

i say : u are like the only one who is so positive abt everything. lol. thks farah. and sorry i couldnt lend you my handphone ):

tysa : oh my. u lost ur hp?! no wonder u didnt reply my sms! gee! did u try calling?

i say : yeah. i called, i waited for th same bus to pass by but it was too late. i went to th interchange to report lost n found. but i doubt ppl are that angelic when it comes to materialistic things. so yeah. ): anyways, i saw your blog post. two thumbs up for trying. now if anyone shoots you with negativity, you can at least say you tried. we all tried.

hang on cause this will be filled with angst.

no. 1 - girlfriend, i love you so much & you did this to me. th only reason why i was being such a pain in th ass is cause i fucking care for you. you went off with 2 guys that u know for barely few days. dont u think i would not fucking worry? if u want friends that dont call u and annoy u while u have fun, go ahead. just see if they are your REAL friends. I know after you read this, u will be mad at me. but remember, im saying this cause i fucking care and appreciate it while i still do. all of your true friends are standing right in front of your face. Now are u gg to cherish or stab us?

no. 2 - if you were not happy abt the saturday incident, tell me . i told you, i would send your stuff to your house if the bike is not spoilt. IF. and now u are accusing me of gg there to F***. i thought out of everyone , you would understand. u know my time with him is limited. twice a week. u gone through it. so why are u being like that now. Hate me all you want but im gg to be here until u realise that i care for you. DAPIER, i fucking care for you! can u not see it!?!?

no. 3 - i lost my hp. its only 6 fucking days old. i think it was in the bus or one of th slackers stole it. nevertheless, its my fault. MY FAULT BECAUSE I AM SO CARELESS. i feel so bad for pops. i know he is tight on cash now and he tried so hard for my happiness and i had to go and screw things up by losing my phone. way to go! NABEY. FUCK FUCK FUCK. alr u are feeling unwell, and i had to worsen things for u.

no. 4 - so u claim u hate me. It's only cause u are my friend's sister that i am bothering to care. Let me make this clear to you, you dont know me. i care for your sister. and when she invited u over with us, i knew it was a bad idea cause i knew you would be upset/ bored/ annoyed but i just kept quiet cause i was in no position to say anything. Maybe if you gave me and yourself a chance to clear this hatred, YOU COULD FCKIGN SEE.

argh! what the fck is wrong with my life now!
screw everyone.
bring on the hate tags. ii doesnt seem like i FUCKING CARE NOW DO I!?

I dont know how to start since i didnt update for th past few days.

let me see...

well, i went out for dinner with sis on my bday(11/11) and we had dinner at n.y.d.c.

daddy got me this phone :

i love it! and did i mention the back is mirror - like?

WOOOO.
I felt a little disappointed on my bday i felt my friends had forgotten a few things.

fine, i almost cried.
but thank god i saved those tears cause those little clowns had plans up their sleeves!

just that it got screwed up so they postponed it for the next day.

nevertheless, i am happy cause, although there was no cake(sad, it makes me feel all old) like previous years, i feel that i am one year older and its like a sign telling me about all the responsibilities i need to take up.

like a job for instance. i was thinking of working at the zooooo since i adore animals so much. or maybe as a receptionist at serangoon ctry club. choices, choices. idk.

and i really want to thank all of the ppl who wished me.

i can remember a few only (sorry) and they are:

bee kweow( surprisingly th first)

mirldawati

tony

danny!(i loved the idea)

wei jing

ari( oh it was his bday too. woo)

moons

hafiz (ex fuchun)

namdev

sean

syahmi

fyno!

aysha( i love the present gf)

syella ( but surprisingly sufian didnt. nabey)

farah

ikah( i love the card girl)

and a few others on friendster.

i love u all.

on th 12th, i met up with aysha and fyno and while we were fagging, fyno recieved tragic news that farouk has passed away. bike accident. why is it no surprise that bikes are th reason for the uprising deaths amongst these young ppl?

(he is on the right)

i was really shocked and traumatised by the incident.

maybe its cause i never had a relative/friend who passed away when i was of age to know of. Farouk's was a tragic blow for me. Honestly, i barely know this guy. i met him twice, and the first time, i barely noticed him. I only noticed him when we went exploring and he was driving the car. We talked abit, shared a few laughters. He is a wonderful guy. So young, so driven, so full of zest for life. But it had to end like this. I was so mad. I went home and cried. From 4 till 11pm, i withheld my tears. I didnt want people seeing me cry. They would console me. They would tell me things like 'these shit happens'.

and i know they do.

This cry was just to let it out and i needed to do it alone. so when i got home, it happened.

sigh. what can i say. This really made me appreciate life.

And farouk, whatever i want to tell you, it was said last night. And i know u heard me. Im sorry.

its coming its coming!

i went to cwp with daddy today to:

1. pay mine HSA fine

2. find slutty heels for grad night

UGH. i need to go plaza sing ALONE tml to meet dad there.

we are gg to :

1. exchange the starhub set-top box

2. find mine clutch for grad night

3. get me a new handphone (!!!!!)

and i dont know how to get there from the MRT.

im really a dummy for streets.

and prom is in 4 days!

and Os end in 2 days!

*says proudly*

see? november is always the best month.

psst. 3 more days.

okay idk why im making such a big fuss out of it.

i have just been one who makes a big fuss about bdays.

they're special

and like my friend namdev said,

well, actually i forgot what he said but it involved something about being wiser and much more responsible.

and it will be th last year before i turn legal.

which means gg to jail if i commit offences.

lol. idk why i put it that way.

im having a migraine now and frankly, i wish i never knew how it feels like to have one.

I TAKE IT BACK! UNDO THIS CAUSE!

*cries*

the hell no!

i searched far and beyond

and finally, it narrowed down to one

so beautiful the silver dress it shone

but alas! it was transparent

and the world could see my thong

so what do u suppose i do?

wear black stockings and heels with that.

will that do?

sigh. it pretty much explains my day uh.

the freaking dress was see through but only at my thigh area.

idk if i should buy it.

i have to go back to town for the THIRD time tml.

but i think it bodes well for me.

all that walking around keeps me active. and lose weight hopefully.

that is all. im gonna do my nails now (with the super uber nail polish i bought!)

5 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

today i went prom went hunting with gfs aysha and tysa.

walked here and there, here and there but nada.

i did see a few i liked like a beautiful green dress from miss selfridge and a formal top and skirt from topshop but they had their defects here and there. sigh. sigh. and all i got from today was hurting feet. grrr.

the next part of my mission will be tomorrow. i'll be heading to bugis with aysha and afiq in search for the right prom wear. hope all goes wear.

oo i forgot to mention i saw one stunning black dress. its sooooooooooooooo nice ok.

CHANEL - $192.

onehundredandfuckingninetytwodollars.

just not worth my moolas. i wouldnt wear it often anyway.

after town-ing, we headed to civic to slack abit.

afiq and co was there.

then i cabbed home with aysha.

that is all.

8 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

8 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

8 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

8 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

8 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!

i cant fucking wait. that's right.

i said the F word.

these kind of cases require these kind of vocabulary.

im so excited!!!!!

as my friends may know, i am one who enjoys writing checklists

and my plans are as follows:

4th(tues) - ns party

5th(wed) - prom wear hunting

6th(thurs) - prom wear purchasing

7th(fri) - idk

8th(sat) - enjoy?

9th(sun) - mug

10th(mon) - mt exam

11th(tues) - science mcq / mt listening compre

12th(wed) - some lame ass mt exam

13th(thurs) - burning of books and sch u day. haha

and then............

15th(sat) - Bintan lagoon resort as late bday gift!!!!!!

fuck. wait, this is a good fuck word.

WOOO!