"You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in,Ive gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign."

- Coldplay.

I feel so cold these days; i never sleep with th air-con on anymore.

Have i gone cold literally ?

I apologise but i can't bring myself to trust you. I know i said i would try but it takes two to tango and you just dont give th tiniest hints of trying to prove yourself. You were not there during my lowest points. I see you as fair weather. I know you'll come back with some excuse and i'll be accepting again because i have a soft spot for you but honey how accepting i may be, people never forget.

We walked around in search for food, glorious food. You pitied me because i have not eaten th whole day and we managed to get most of th food i was craving for. We laughed so much and you were amazed how i knew that this malay priest guy is always at that same spot during this time of th year and a few other things. We settled for a movie. Before that we went out to fag and realised it was gg to rain, so we needed to do something about the helmets and there was no way no how either of us wanted to walk around carrying a helmet. I came up with a smartass idea to remove the padding and unbelievably, you agreed. Crossing the road, you mimicked me and said "the hell no" causing both of us to nearly get hit by a cab, we laughed really hard. We giggled like small kids as we dismentled the padding and i vividly remember placing the padding on your head, i laughed so hard cause it looked like a malay hat called songkok i think. We smuggled food into the theatre and watched the gorest movie ever and it made you stop eating for some time, making the burger eventually cold. I reached out for your hand when the guy's arm was being minced into this sink cause i was about to cry, you watched on with mouth gaped open. After the movie, we fagged again and because it was windy, this bunch of dust/trash/leaves starting whirling around and i said that a tornedo was going to start loudly and you looked at me with that look you always give when i say smth silly and u make me feel silly indeed. But then you added on and pointed out this particular guy who was concentrating so hard on the tornedo-to-be. I laughed the hardest. You gave me some of that meiji milk you love so much and i always remember to leave the last few sips for you although you never do. We got soaked in the heavy rain on the way back to a point where my arms and your neck were red by the strong rain drops. I lent you my pants and white tee to wear home but it made you look too gay so you wore your damp shirt over mine. Amongst so many problems i have with you, and i mean so many, i felt like i knew you again, like we were so happy and no one could take that away from us. Out of anyone, i never thought that it would be you. I enjoy playing the fool because of all the above mentioned, it was really just me who saw smth in that day. I need stability, assurance and honesty. I really try hard finding that in you. Baby the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and im very sorry but i really feel that i'm not the cause of it.

To all my malay friends, Happy fasting month.

Just sleep through the whole day and i'm sure you'll make it out alive and heavier. Fasting reminded me of a video, so here you go:

Just because :

With so much that has been going on in my life, th only positive thing i can say is that I'll take all of these as a good knock-you-hard-in-the-head lesson. I'm sorry to me. I'll make an oath to never allow things like this to happen again. If it wasn't for Liyana Bte Sani to knock some good sense into me and giogio which i know needs me for food, sasami, company, bringing her down for walkies and to clean that tremendous amount of goop in her left eyes like every hour, i don't know what might have been of me. When i was younger i had big dreams. Along the way, they were still planted in my head but they got dimmer and dimmer and i'm not gg to let such events kill my dreams. The hell no. Check me out in 10-15 years time cause i just made a bet with myself.

We all need self reminders at times, or that little push from someone or in my case, a big push.

It's times like these u remember those advices that u used to get from school workshops or teachers or whoever they may be. At that point of time, you didn't need it, you just heard, but now, i'm listening. I remember Adam khoo's workshop and what he said, which was not that useful to me at that point of time. One was, we cant control events that happen around us, people leave us, betray us, make us feel small, but we sure as hell can control our reactions, and these reactions which lead to actions will in turn result in another event, its like a cycle and to make it positive, we have to get th ball rolling.
Second was, he asked us who feels that they are inferior to others, unworthy, loserish and all. Alot raised their hands and you'd think this man would be consoling us but he threw a rage because we're so lucky to be even alive. And this reminds me of a verse that i personally like from the bible; "Who can curse what God has blessed?" We shouldn't curse/hate/bitch about ppl too much, that's like questioning God's creation. Omg why am i being such an Aunt Agony today, i usually see this on ppl's blog and it bores th crap out of me. Well, at least i can read this whenever i need another push.

Okay people i'm actually trying to start blogging about more relevant things instead of my daily life cause its like, everyone does the same shit everyday, wake up, eat, do a little something-something like go out or meet friends and smth funny might occur which may occur to everyone else in some point in their lives but in a slightly different manner. I think its time to learn as we read stuff. Seriously, what is up with this aunt agony thingy? I am irked by what i am writing. hahahha. i'll still blog about my mundane life uh but you know, try to switch it up a bit, add some lime to the coke-conut.

I went out to eat just now and i am just disgusted by females who have the looks but just ruin it by talking way to loudly to get attention. Chillax woman! You have beauty, ppl are already looking at you, and this in turn makes them ugly, you know what i mean? I do understand that this is judging but ... crap, i cant justify myself. We all judge what, i try to keep mine to a minimal but this is just a pet peeve! I also hate it when a girl wears her pants down so low her buttcrack is exposed. Girlfriend, cleavage and butt cracks are two different things, though they are similar, they give two VERY different vibes. Just makes me wanna puke a little. i shall soon blog about my pet peeves. I think that would be interesting and gnarly.

Bye bye world, my ipod is finally working and the best thing about it is that u can store lyrics in them and im going to sing myself to sleep. I think things are looking up. I dont think psychiatrists can have alot of emotional baggage like mine so im shedding those off. no pictures today. So sianzxzxx, no new pictures.

Okay really, BYE!

We are so tiny on the face of the Earth. I mean, when we die, we are buried, absorbed into the Earth and also, forgotten. It will prolly hit someone like a meteor when one dies, at least someONE. But as th years past or maybe after the generation of people who have been around the person have all perished, no one will care about the long dead.

Just felt like sharing that thought.

Have you ever like, brushed off your problems instantaneously? As if you wear an immune bodykit that is green and acts like a layer of protection that kills anything negative that comes your way. Kind of like the dettol commercials where the whole family has that green layer thing going on after they take a shower? Because i do. && i dont know why im blogging about this because normally i wouldn't but i'm doing it for curiosity's sake. I hope it doesnt kill the cat, like you know .. curiosity killed th cat? Nevermind, im not good with jokes anyway. Oh yes, as i was saying, i have felt that way and lately, its all i ever feel towards the kind of negative things that go on in my life. It's like, (example cause i dont wanna put my real dirty issues on the table), my pet gerbil which i dont even know what it looks like but th name sounds cute dies, i would be well, obviously sad and maybe shed a few tears depending on how cute that gerbil was and be bummed but within a few days, i would be all okay and everyone knows how much i love animals, if giogio leaves me like that, i would be so down, i could deccelerate down past the earth's core. Ah nevermind i used a stupid example i dont think anyone understood what they just read. What i'm trying to say is, i dont grief or get very sad over the situation and i just feel TOTALLY fine after that and that may sound cool cause no one likes feeling crappy but its also dangerous mainly because well, we need to grieve to move on and if we move on without grieving, to me it means technically, we are not OVER that negative situation that occured. Therefore, situation will pile up on situation and then BOOM! , you or shall i say i will get a tragic meltdown and i dont like meltdowns like hello.

I learnt about the 'Grief Cycle' in school a few months back and i cant help but seem to relate all my problems to it. I find it really interesting and very true. You could apply it to yourself and i bet it'll work just th same.

Okay so basically this grief cycle came about when this doctor Elizabeth Kubler Ross (woman power!) chose to spend time with dying patients and comforted them. Over th years, it was noticed that not only like people who were terminally ill experienced this cycle but also ppl who were affected by bad news or was going through a tough time like a break-up or death of a loved one. Okay im typing alot and i know alot of ppl just get scared away by lengthy scrolls of words so let me just jump right to the cycle itself.

A bombshell bursts, and then: (i cant help but think of Pamela Anderson's badonkas popping but this was what th book wrote!)

Bombshell bursts then:

` shock stage ( very paralysed upon th bad news) *gasp* kinda reactions

` denial stage ( avoiding reality, omg so true, see?) "This cant be happening, bla bla."

` anger stage ( frustrated outpours of bottled emotions) "This is bull****!"

` bargaining stage (seeking in vain for a way out, which is very true too) "God, if u return him to me, i promise you i would never cheat/lie/etc "

` depression stage ( this is when u finally realise the inevitable)

` testing stage (seeking realistic solutions)

` acceptance stage ( finally moving on)

True or not? true or not!? Yes i hope?

In addition, a common problem is that people usually get stuck in one phase. For example a person may be stuck in the denial stage and wont move forward into accepting the inevitable.

Another problem would be going in cycles. Like a person moves to th next stage without really completing the earlier phase and this will cause them to move back. Its really all jumbled. There is no specific movement. Like a person may go through the shock, denial , anger and bargaining stage but when he finds out bargaining is not working, he'll move back to being angry. Or, a person may go through th shock and depression stage, then straight to acceptance.

"The more experience we have, the better we can handle it"

- That's what i think.

So, personally i feel these days, i skip alot of stages and lie into acceptance. I know its coming back to haunt me. I think. If anyone reads this at all, i hope it made u aware of how grief works and maybe it will be easier to handle? cause situations are always handled best when we know what we are dealing with.

OH MY GOSH, LONGEST POST EVER. I really hope it was not boring.

Oh, i watched the Orphan and i really hope that that kinda growth hormones dont exist because its just freaky with a capital F.

On th other hand, this is one of my favourite movies of all time. I sob everytime i watch it. Its just too beautiful.

And in time, i'll know what i deserve. And in time, i'll know there's so much more in store. And in time, i'll know that these problems are just problems. I just hope time is on my side because i build alot of faith around it.

I really need a new blogskin, this one is just too old and messy.

Im going to bed now, good-morning?