Hi whoever who still visits this blog, I, the owner of this blog, am no longer using this space. I have come to this sad, but much needed solution to get myself another blog because i feel like i have changed so much, and i feel that i just need something fresh. This blog will not be deleted because of its fond memories and i will read it from time to time when i'd like to reminisce. If you'd like to view my newer blog, it's www.wishfxlthinking.blogspot.com

Bye :'(

:)

Nice twist.

Whenever it rains, i would stare out of my window and dream of all that could be.

Oh how i wish i knew and thought it'd be that easy.

We all know the rules of life, well most of us do.

Live it with no regrets but hell, it's tough to go through,

and to be the bigger person and say, "yeah, no regrets"

I've learnt, yes, i've learnt.

Some pages, i wish i could burn

I didn't need all that hurt

Maybe one day, I would realise i did need it to grow.

I know what I'm gg to do, I'm going to suck it up and be happy already! Who cares if I fail? Its better than not trying at all, and who's gg to keep pushing me or advising me? No one but myself, might as well get used to it, cause even though no man is island, ironically, in the end, we still are.

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I had a dream about laughing in the rain and I thought to myself, "How wonderful, my dreams are better than... than.. this."


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I wish that when we went to school, we were taught that one day, we'll lose someone we love so much, a pet/ loved one/ parents etc because it would happen somehow or rather without a doubt, and there would be lessons on how to cope with that. How to be happy. Whats the point of teaching me th beauty of science and how the world revolves and maths and how it helps abundantly in almost everything, English and how it makes communication so much easier, when you can't put whatever talent u have into your passion because you're not happy and you don't feel motivated. And please enlighten me, if u can't be happy, what else is there? Isn't happiness th ultimate goal or smth.

Guess I never learnt how not to be a pessimist either and YouTube or ehow videos most certainly did not help.

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I don't know who I am anymore. Forgive me this is not a cry for attention, maybe it is. But on these walls , is th only place I can let go and shed my sorrow, and unmask myself just a little. Just a little, but with the biggest relieve. Sometimes I tell myself, frankly I'm not a person who builds walls around people, sure I wouldn't tell them my whole life shebang but if a friend would come up to me and say 'steph, tell me how can I help?' it would be, nice. But I guess its too late for that. It has come to the point where, I might actually start liking the idea of building walls. I'm getting comfortable in this heap of mess. I'm losing this and god forbids no one ever goes through losing their love for themselves.


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Please don't live inside me because it's so hard for me to carry twice my load. One of mine and one of a myth.


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Are there kinds of people in this world that can bring you down with them?
Are there kinds of people in this world that can bring you up with them?
I guess there is, but th kinds who bring you up dont normally mix with th kinds that bring you down, so if you are gg down, which ones up there will do a dirty job and help bring you up again? Or will you be left to fend for yourself?

Can happiness ever be achieved? Or is it an on-going battle to always want more and more happiness thus, never getting the satisfaction of being happy? When should a person sit back, pat himself on th back and say "Okay, this is th amt of happy i need." ?

WHY?

stephaniegomestay

I feel like im colourblind, without the warmth of your colours to paint my dull world.

You were the splash of colours, I was the canvas.

You'll carry the warmth with you, and I'll stay here; subdued.

You'll paint someone else.

It was great to see some of my friends again. It's been too long. I can't wait for syahmi's chalet!



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Its like, all of a sudden I can't grow up, I have to be.


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Sometimes I just don't know where I belong, or what my purpose is. Sometimes I wish I was not such a push over . Sometimes I just have no drive. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Why am I so deprived .


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I had a dream again. About swimming pools, being comfortable in my own naked skin, and being happy. What a dream. And I woke up with a fever and thudding headache. It has been so long since I have fallen sick that I forgot how annoying it feels. My dreams are starting to be better than reality.








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All of you are the same, I will keep to my words unless I see an exception.

It's actually not okay to leave a person with such a bitter taste of the end. But if it helps, I know you heal fast or maybe, u have nth to heal at all. And I always told myself I would rather be hurt then hurt a person.


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I will give myself until June.

I don't have the support of everyone, just one. And more often than not, I'm very cautious of my decisions. So with two ends of a spectrum, I will just listen to myself and go and take this damn licence already. Wether I can afford a vehicle, will fall into place later. For once, I don't think I need to have specific plans to follow.

Today is pay day! Too bad I cant splurge it on my wants. There are so many things to settle first.

Alot of decisions and truth telling has been done , and the way I see it , things can only go from here.

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Okay I tried Sally Hansen's leg airbrush to cover the spots on my legs and look at the colour difference in comparison with my hand! And I got the 'light to medium glow' shade. I look like I had a bad fake tan and it so doesn't blend well. Sigh. I guess I need to see a doctor to get medication for the fugly spots. I bet it'll cost a bomb. I actually got this airbrush bottle a few months back and I used it once and didn't like it. I tried the second time today hoping for a miracle so that the rest of the bottle doesn't go to waste but no....

Anyway, I'm so excited for tmr, I'll be meeting my girlfriends after so long and guess what happened today... I was at work and I saw... Afiq Sufian and Arip. It was so awkward to see them while working , it's been so long I couldn't recognize them. And someone told me Afiq is gg off to Perth. I'm not sure if it's one of their little practical jokes they like to play on me or if it's the truth.

For now, I'll take a bath and remove the gallon of fake tan off my legs, curl up in a book and watch Friends at 1.

I want you. Just you. Bye bye.



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A family dinner after too long. And giogio is in my posession once again. I'm so happy to have her back. But she doesn't seem to recognize me anymore. She's going blind . It's funny at times like when she looks at a chair and she thinks its you. But it's not haha funny. Well I have breakfast to go to tmr so I need to sleep like now. That is if youknowwho wakes up too.

Before I left the house today, I got the shock of my life to see a bird, more like a pigeon actually, standing by the window of my corridor, seeing no harm, I left it alone, that was in the evening. When I got home around 12, it was still freaking there and it managed to shock me twice, counting the one in the evening. So I went to wikihow and you will be amazed how little help u get when u really need it by this 'how' website. Or maybe I was too impatient to find the right words to type. I managed to see 'how to help an injured wild bird' and 'how to shoo a bird' and there was no way I was going to throw a towel over a bird and place it in a box so I just looked at it for a while and it looked well rested. I watched abit of Friends on tv and played with pachka and an hour it was still there! So I whipped out a broom and gently, very gently nudged it. It flew off . I really think it has to do with drinking birds nest soup the night before. U know the ones you get at the bazaar for 2 bucks. It's made of saliva. Gross. But nice.

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My stomach feels funny. It's this emptiness inside although I have already eaten too much junkfood today. It almost feels like gastric but it can't be. It's not that bad so it should be okay soon. You know I was looking through some apps and the Alice in wonderland book was such a great book to download. It's the original version so even the vocabulary has an old English feel to it; "Curioser and curioser" Alice said the exact same thing in the movie and oh, the book is way better, I feel.

Birds nest, does it aid in anything?
P

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I have off until Thursday but honestly once u start working and start calculating here and there,you (or I for that matter) would prefer working more days. I don't know, is work addictive?

Does a notebook have a significant difference from a laptop? I hate lugging around big laptops. Well this thought will have to wait, for at least a few months more. Then again, life seems pretty peaceful without a computer once you get used to it; you have more time for yourself and you only stay in contact with your friends that truly matter. On the other hand, there is a billion things you could do with the net, and everyone needs it one way or the other. Like emails and wiki-ing things( I miss doing that) and watching the big bang theory on YouTube. Ugh. I do have a weakness for Sheldon. Guess I do need one afterall.



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FUCK.




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My saturday was burnt ! I got a nice surprise at work today but this little pinch of surprise ended in a drastic end. Let's just say I'm tired, I'm going to slp on a very very( I must emphasize on this) very empty tummy, my head is spinning as I type this, no really, literally spinning, so I may not even get to go to slp so soon and... I'm working tmr which is a Sunday FYI . Family day! I don't spend it like that but it's good to have my options open. Weekend burnt. Tsk.



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Oopsy daisy

Earthlings, I'm back. These few days have been very busy and sore for me. Because...
...
I'm working!
I have never been so happy about sore feet. Do you know how long it's been since I had sore feet?!
A few things that I'm still adjusting to like the fact that everything was explained to me in Chinese even schedules are written in Chinese! And my chinese only passes off as basic. Ni hao ma? Okay not thaaat basic. Time to brush up I suppose.
Guess where I am now? Okay I'm in the bus with mom on the way to chakalaka. I'm happy this entry is happy.

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So I was reading my older posts and it kind of made my day, I don't know why. I really miss my friends, I don't know it seems all of us have different lives now. I miss a few aspects of my life actually. I keep dreaming almost everyday now, I've read somewhere that dreaming is a sign we're tired or is it the opposite? I would open a new tab now and wiki it but... Oh wait, I can't do that now can I? (be right back)
Okay wiki did not state anything about dreaming being associated with being tired or not. It must be some kind of folktale or myth or smth. So we spend roughly 6 years of our lives dreaming as told by wiki, I think I spend 12.
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Talking Carl is an app I want.


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So, I'm dead bored right now, I just watched 'Zack and miri make a porno' and it was so silly and looks like a movie that only man ie hanafee could like. Funny though. Oh yeah I got a new phone so I can pretty much blog more often if I haven't already said that. What else, oh i got a new hamster, his name is pachka and he has bit me twice so far but that was because I woke him up and he must have been too sleepy. Besides that he's really nice, I put him on my shoulder sometimes and his furry little self always tickles me. I also got a transparent ball for him to run in, like the guinea pigs from g force. Yeah I want a guinea pig too. I heard they jump when they're happy. One would be lonely, I want two.


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Wow, this blog is very dusty isn't it?
It's the second day of CNY and things are going pretty well.
I can definitely blog more often now but i dont know if i want to anymore.
Cyberlife doesnt seem to excite me that much anymore.

At Liyana's now.
I'll find a way to blog more frequently.
I'll be back! Wait for me.

As I sit here to blog, I'm 3 hours away from moving out. This week has been hectic with alot of packing, throwing away alot of things and as more and more things got packed into boxes each day, the house became plainer and plainer; almost like how it was when we first moved in here 11 years ago. Oh well, every good thing must come to an end.
-To have Liyana and family as such fantastic neighbours
-To have sambal prawn, beef rendang and ayam masak merah brought over on Hari Raya by Liyana's mom
-To meet Liyana at th stairs to fag and catch up on our day
-To fag at my window
-To have one room all to myself
-To know the exact routine my parents take home so i needn't worry about them catching me fagging or hanging out with boys(although they always did)
-To have gift hampers from Liyana and family on Christmas
and every other little detail

Fuck, now its hitting me.

I don't even think I'm gg to have broadband in a few weeks to come.

And giogio has been abducted by my sis.

Anyone wishes to trade lives?

The big bang theory, 3 sachets of Milo, Viceroys and a dead handphone.

Also, packing is really tough, it caused me to sneeze for hours.

Giogio is sleeping on my pillow case where i rest my head and making this light snoring noises.

Sigh, why can't i be as calm and collected as her?

No, i cant talk over dinner.

because i already ate when u texted me.

Because u called me th B word

and you were being impatient

i've said never to expect th same treatment in return

and true to my word, i was not expecting

i was hoping

especially at the worst(most probably) pitfall of my life

i thought you'd be a little more understanding and less needy than that.

And no, feeling sorry for me isnt enough

or giving me words of encouragement

because you are or were my pillar and i have higher expectations for my pillars.

i think everyone does.

not anyone can be anyone's pillars u know.

but no, you speak a word of encouragement to me and u think worlds of yourself.

well good for u, but words arent really what i need right now

especially not th b word.

In this traumatised state, I'm glad at least one person understands me.

Moving on, these are some of th pictures from Countdown's. I enjoyed myself at gatecrasher's no matter how sucky the crowd was.

Yeah i know th pictures are really blur and there is this white pillar-like thing on the left side. I'll need to send my phone for repairs soon.

I'm here waiting for Hanafee again. We're supposed to go have sushi today( I hate those btw, but I told him I'm willing to try cause he loves it.) but by th looks of it, the sushis are gg to eat themselves. Oh well...

I'd like to post some pictures that Hanafee and I have taken yesterday and carry on with how much fun I had. I'd really like to.
But there are bigger things now, that worry me (When is there never a time?)
I'm moving to Yishun, to a much smaller home, although Dad said its temporary, there is no defined time. All i know is that I'm moving before January ends. I swear I don't know a single person who lives there.

My pile of jfehfefhndhnfef to fix just gets larger and larger.

I don't want to talk about mine 2009, it is too painful to recount. Of course this sentence would be under-rated in anyone's perception.

So, Happy New Year to everyone. And don't hold on to the word 'Happy' before 'New Year' because the year is what we make of it. And to me? I hope I'll practice what I preach.

SLUMBER PARTY.

Nail polish, check

Food glorious food, check

Cute props, check

Cuter pjs, check

Great movies, check

Chocolates from nice bf, check

Pizza from other nice bf, check

Amazing gfs, check

What else could be missing?

Slumber party, success!

It's not right, but it's okay.

I'm gonna make it anyway.

I'm back from a pleasant meet-up with my secondary sch classmates. It's been some time since we've seen eachother but things never get formal or awkward. I like how everything just falls into place. You weren't there and everyone was asking; but its okay. We played our usual silly games with cards and drink shots. Took th train back to woodlands and walked home with th guys and we(sean,syahmi and I) are really really keen on saving up money and taking a short trip to Thailand next year, with the rest of course. We have been talking about it since secondary sch. I just hope that by 2010 i will be worry free with school so I can worry less and start enjoying more! Grrr. As usual, i would have a whole list of 2010 resolutions in hand. Maybe some other day I'd post it perhaps. I'm sure it would be almost alike as anyone else's though.

I met up with Liyana and accompanied her to Vista Pt to get some cat food for Mel and as usual, we had our heart to heart talk about everything really; how we were 5 years ago, how we get over hard times, work, school, bgrs and every silly non-important stuff as well like littering, how great certain foods are and so on and so forth.

My phone was acting all weird today so the images came out really unclear.

Aah yes, I used to have so much fun with them. Anyways, Aysha and I have an amazing plan to slumber over at Aysha's next week( conveniently after x'mas and before sch term starts for everyone but myself. boohoohoo) with Ikah, Farah and Nanee. It would be just like old times where we would manipedi, eat and go gaga over T.I(I remember vividly crying over his video), except without sleeping over.

Hey girls maybe this time we could rent work out videos and sappy love stories? No?

To end my post off, I'd like to say that there's so much more going on in my head right now, many of which, i cant say. I just hope some sadist doesnt think i have it all right now because i really dont. This isnt a cryout for help, its more of a comfort to anyone who might need it? Hey, misery loves company right? Because i know how it feels like to want to be on the other, much greener side. Goodbye my Na'vi people. Yes, Avatar still leaves me breatheless.

Two hearts; beating out of time. Two hearts intertwined. 

I dreamt about hiding several body parts among food. How gross is that? I can particularly remember a white skull which looked like an animal's with bits of blood tissue. I managed to hide it well when a stranger walked by. What th hell was my dream trying to tell me!

This is what i managed to find online www.sleeps.com/analysis.html

I couldn't find "dead body being strewn around, but this was th closest i got to;

Nearly any dream you have that refers to death, dying or attending a funeral, or the like, pertain to change. Most all the time this change is very dramatic and major. It can be change in your life attitude or emotional balance. These types of dreams can also symbolize confronting fear, usually fear of death or change. Since most of use will agree that death is the ultimate change, and many people fear it. Death dreams are generally big changes and should never be ignored. Sometimes they really do signify death! Another possible symbol of a death dream is threat. Whichever suits the dream depends on how well the theme was arrived at. Most death dreams are about major change and not about literal death though, so don't panic if you have one. Just patiently go through the analysis process, and make sense of it.

I applied some of my psychology class knowledge and did some research on Sigmund Freud, his dream analysis and he said "...there is a psychological technique which makes it possible to interpret dreams, and that on the application of this technique, every dream will reveal itself as a psychological structure, full of significance, and one which may be assigned to a specific place in the psychic activities of the waking state."

So, i believe that,
a) There is going to be a big change in my life
b) There is going to be a big change in my life and I'm fearing it (& trying to cover it up with food?)
c) I may cover a body part with food
d) I'm good at getting away with things( for the stranger didnt notice)
e) I'm sick to associate food with corpes.

Besides c, b seems like it may be it. After all, I am going to move out of this used-to-be-home, now house. And th funniest part, well not haha-funny, is that I dont know where. nafee has been asking me to ask Dad but thing is, i don't want to. Maybe because he doesn't know where yet too and if i did ask him its like woah, pressure alert. Anyway, i trust that i wont be left homeless and Dad knows what he's doing.

Or what if there is a change in myself? Because sometimes, when i stand by th window and fag and look out into the beautiful moon and get dizzy from fagging and standing(i think its a sign to not fag or not fag at home secretively!) I do come to the realisation that I have changed. Sometimes i get all dramatic(because i'm a female) and miss my old self. But most of th time, i do get reminded that humans constantly change and its only normal.

So, what i'm trying to say is, does dreaming about hiding a dead body, skull especially among food has got anything to do with whatever i just said or am i being senile here? Man i dont know how Sigmund could make up a whole book about dream interpretations!

Moving on, I am really missing my psychology classes. sighhhhhh. You know when u school and u just love being naughty but when u dont u just miss being a student? I'm never going to love being naughty, ever. Not in school. Besides that... well.

I'm so proud for reviving this blog. Now th feeling of why i used to love blogging so much has returned. I shall do this more often. Goodnight my Na'vi people! Sigh do i love Avatar so badly! I dreamt about it too! But let's not go there now.

I'm so sick with this blog layout and its been years since i've changed mine so i really have forgotten how to. Everything feels so messy and it affects my mood to blog. And also because lappy is really sick.

Pictures from my first Zoukout ever. Seriously enjoyed myself but it could have been wayyy better if we didnt walk around so much. I think everyone came for Armin because really it was th best.

Nothing much to say. They pretty much speak for themselves. Oh th one with a chicken and a cow drawing is when Liyana and I went to get Ramly burgers. I just find it so cute.